Friday, November 13, 2009
Wishing away the days
Today I feel like hammered shite. I find on these days of feeling like crap I wish the time away. I wish for normal, I wish for comfortable, I wish for fun. I can't wait for next week when I know I will be feeling somewhat better. I wish away the hours of nausea and fatigue and the feeling of acid ass swamp water metal giraffe feces in my mouth. It's all understandable, the need to wish it all away, but I sure feel guilty. This cancer could kill me sooner rather than later and I spend my time wishing away the few days I could have left. How crappy is that? I try to make the best of these days (walking, reading, watching Bourne movies) but it never lasts. The feelings of wanting to get high and wake up next week feeling good, return over and over again. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Fuck Cancer.
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4 comments:
Guilt is a useless f-ing emotion. Is it an emotion? Not sure. But it sure can suck a person dry. There is no space for guilt with what you are going through. Good advice hey? I feel like I'm not in a position to give advice but hopefully can offer support and I have definitely had experience with guilt. It can be all consuming and very negative. Guilt-glasses - put them on and they are almost impossible to take off. Try to take them off if you can, Dan. Another monumentous task when you are in the depths of it. You have made it through 4 treatments of hell. More than half way there. There is a ton to look forward to in the coming months AND for today, there is today and you WILL make it today and tomorrow will be better - no guilt. We love you Dan.
Gill
PS We just watched Dawn of the Dinosaurs and it will make you laugh. Watch with Carly and she will make you laugh, too. I split my sides with Em and J.
Dan,
You are amazing and strong man and YOU CAN DO IT..did you hear me???
YOU CAN DO IT, BECAUSE YOU ARE STRONG !!
You have a beautiful family, a stronger than you think women, supporter wife in your life, friends, co-workers..etc.
Sometimes we have some dark days, but if you have enough energy, hope, truth, feelings you will feel yourself stronger, better and happier.
You`re headed in the right direction!
Success doesn`t depend on where you start. It depends on YOU !!!
Let us know if your family need anything help,, I mean it...
Big hug from MS
oh dan. . . great BIG mental hugs to you and your family. . . MMMMMMM. . . there . . did you guys feel it? . . . hang in there honey - and yes, i cant really relate on any level -but i am really good at swearing. . . so i agree whole heartedly. . . FUCK CANCER! and for goodness sake, i know it's easier said than done, but try not to be so hard on yourself. . .you're only human - you are allowed to feel whatever it is that you are feeling and remember it's all about progress - bot perfection. . . k - i think that's it for the crappy cliche's . . you are in my thoughts and prayers as always. ..
<3 and more hugs jen
I can relate to all but the taste in the mouth (the heparin flush of the port was the worst taste in the mouth for me as I found it tasted like urinal cakes. Long story and no, I have never actually eaten one). My last couple of treatments I acted like a two-year old having a tantrum in the parking lot yelling, "You can't make me, I won't do it!" It is so hard physically then the mental black cloud comes. There were many days I wished I could just walk in front of a bus as that would be so much better than this.
The week after my first treatment was our anniversary and we decided to go celebrate. My hair hadn't yet fallen out and I totally psyched myself into going and it was the best thing for me. It was the kick in the ass I needed to get through that treatment. I then made a deal with my hubbie, that we would celebrate one week after every treatment. It gave me something to look forward to and it really helped get me out of both the physical and mental funk of chemo. Even in the worst of moments, try to find something good and hold onto it. You are an inspriation to so many people. If there is ever anything I can do to help, please let me know. Jen
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