Daniel William Tutt

Tuesday January 18, 1977 5:30pm - 

Tuesday May 27, 2014 11:07am 

He's gone, and nothing will ever be the same again. 

We love you Dan, we miss you already, and none of us will ever forget you. 

Birthday Sorbet

Rosedale Hospice

Well many of you were aware from Dan's last post that things have changed drastically. What you may not realize is seeing Dan at home we all saw this coming. He is so positive with his outlook on everything, including this horrible final chapter his is enduring. He asked me about that last post of his. He had written it, feeling very down and lost that day. I encouraged him to post it, as I think you all need to know both sides of this journey he and all of us are on.

Dan was moved today to the Rosedale Hospice. It's such a beautiful spot with very caring people all around. It was hard on all of us in my home right now. Bruce and Nicky (Dan's parents), and Carly Andrew and Bradley who were all home, to watch him leave his home for the final time.

Dan's liver seems to be the biggest problem and with its failure to clean up the blood, there's a lot of junk getting to his brain. He very muddled and confused which is very hard to watch. His short term memory is shot! The only blessing there is he really isn't too aware all the time of what's going on. But then he's saying he is going to just run down 3 flights of stairs and grab himself some whip cream for his pie, or zip out to the camera store... saying to me "I just want to look!" He hasn't even walked with a walker in weeks. Funny, sad, hard to watch. They all come to mind.

I will try to keep everyone posted, as you all have been so good at keeping us in your thoughts and/or prayers. What an amazing out pore of support we have had. You all fill us up with love and food and encouragement each day, thank you.

It's my birthday tomorrow, and all I want is to spend the day with Dan, my best friend, my love, my husband, the father of my children and my life. It all branches from him.

I just hunted for a picture of Dan and I. This is from October 2007 when Dan ran a marathon.

Why isn't there more pictures of JUST Dan and I?

A Mirror of a Good Day

Today was a nightmare all around. I'm having trouble with everything: eating, sleeping, transitioning, using the bathroom, walking and just about everything I need to function as a human being. It's been demoralizing to say the least and I'm ready for all this shit to end.

A Good Day Comes To A Close

I hope to send lots of posts to the blog with updates like this one. I had a great day today. So many visitors and I'm tired like you wouldn't believe but it was all fun. I fell asleep often and I'm sure I was snoring at a couple of points but it was all worth it. I didn't make it outside due to the weather however there is always tomorrow when it WILL shine sun. OK, I'm off to sleep now.

On Getting Outside and Back Again

These past few days in the Tutt household have been good. We've managed to get outside onto the deck as well as to take advantage of some of the outpatient palliative care services including nursing, social resources and physiotherapy. As I've posted before, the getting outside part seems to be particularly helpful in fostering those optimistic thoughts that I desperately need right now. It has been a chore re-learning how to transfer between bed-wheelchair-chair-toilet. It's incredibly frustrating re-learning something you were proficient at just a few weeks ago.

Over the upcoming weekend we have lots of visits scheduled with friends and family. It's great to feel that support and we are totally looking forward to seeing everyone here (in moderation). Hopefully this will also provide opportunities for more outside deck visits.

On a somewhat related note, I'm finding it hard to type these days. I still have some peripheral numbness in my fingers from chemo long ago but I also have to prick a finger 4 times per day to check my blood sugars. I suppose I can't blame poor grammar on that, but I will gladly use the excuse  for any posts that seem incomplete or simple.

Here are a few pictures from the past few days:

My Wake Up Today

What a great wake up I had today. All three kids jumped me in bed. Carly and Andrew were bright eyed and excited and ready for school and Bradley, although up earlier than usual was snappy and smiley and cooing "hayadad, hayadad" in an excited fashion. I had a great sleep and am sporting some sun-tanned knees from sitting outside yesterday. I hope to repeat the experience today sans burn. It's fair to say that so far, today is a good day.

Mothers Day!

Here's what Mothers day looked like for us: I had a decent day with more activity than ever. Brunch was the first order of business with both families turning up for a sizable spread. It's rare to have all of us in one place so that meal this morning was special.

Following brunch I made it upstairs for the first time in a few days to have a shower. We had a couple of mishaps on the way but no permanent damage was done and now I'm clean and happy. With the good weather, all the cousins played outside with the exception of Brad who spent time going in and out and playing at toys. We also welcomed many visitors and I even made it out on the deck again for some sun.

All in all a good great day.

Out-Of-Towners

A portion of the regular cast of characters hanging out with the out-of-towners last night.

Something is Right

Something is right. I woke up this morning feeling great. I mean I still can't feel my legs and I have some pain and I'm still a sickly shade of yellow BUT something is right and it feels great.

Last night was my first night in the rental hospital bed we have set up here so perhaps that has something to do with it or maybe it's something else? But either way, lets just say,
something is right.

Got outside today

I also got to try out my new bed. We rented a hospital bed that fits really nicely on the main floor so I don't have to use the stairs. Of course it's not the ideal situation but it allows for flexibility on sleeping arrangements.

Home Now

I'm home now after a trying week in Hospital. My pain is mostly under control but this ship needs more than just that to keep on course or get on course or whatever crappy analogy you want to use. It's overwhelmed and out of its depth trying to manage all this cancer. But home is a magical place where it all seems a little better. Hopefully I can stay a while amongst my fellow muggles here and recharge before the next battle.

Some Pictures

Unit 47 - Palliative Care

Finally feeling a little like writing an update after a few days of feeling like hell.

I'm in the hospital and have been for a week or so. It seems my body is dealing with an overwhelming onslaught of crap from my cancer. There has been lots of spread to areas that are not good (is any area good?) which means pain and lots of other unwanted symptoms. I seem to have some of those in control while others not so much. I'm dealing with diabetes and pain and liver stress and tumours in the liver and lungs and brain and pancreas and on top of my kidney. Some of theses things are causing problems but some are not but the picture they all paint is not a good one. The plan is to get home on a pass maybe this weekend and then get home on a more permanent basis early next week. History has taught me that this is just a plan and plans will change so I suppose this goes more in the "hope" category.

The kids came up last night for a visit and to hang out on the unit. They were here for 3 or 4 hours and had a blast. The recreation/family education person Tracy helped do some teaching with them on the palliative end of things while doing crafts and painting toes and playing games. It was a great time for them and a learning experience for all.

So thats where things are at as of today. A turn for the worse is the phrase you're looking for. I'm on a beautiful unit here and am still enjoying the good times hanging out with my family and friends here. It's tiring at times but good. Sorry as always for so many non replies via text or email but thanks to all of you. I will update again as I can.