The Delicate Balance

I don't think this post is done but I thought I had better post what I have before I get frustrated and delete it.

One of the hardest things about being diagnosed with cancer is the internal mental battle that one goes through when you hear the words "you have cancer". Am I going to die? Is there a treatment plan? How long until I get back to my old life? The questions are numerous and often, not easily answerable. When I was diagnosed I was glad that it happened to me and not someone else in my family. I felt that I had the mental fortitude to deal with something like this. Of course I felt a little cheated at possibly having my life cut short and I was disappointed that my family had to suffer alongside me but overall I felt like I had the strength to do this.

Of course the main mental battle stems from the need for a balance between optimism and realism. This juxtaposition is sometimes difficult to feel your way through at the best of times, let alone when you have cancer. How do you carry on believing you're strong and you're going to survive when you know full well that the statistics say you have a better chance of dieing than living? I guess the real equalizer is hope. Hope seems to be the emotion that is most at peace with both optimism and realism. It can carry you through the depths of the most dreadful possible reality and is the cornerstone of optimism. For me, hope is what gets me through the days, good and bad and it allows me to keep building positive memories for my family while battling this awful disease. It's a delicate balance but it works.


Now it's been more than a year and a half since my diagnosis and I thought I should do a little reflecting after dealing with all 'stuff', mental and physical, that has transpired over that past year. To be honest, I still feel the same way. I still feel confident and glad that this has happened to me and not someone else. I'm tired of the hospital and tired of being tired, but I still feel like I have the mental strength to make it through this battle and out the other side without having to get tossed in the loony bin along the way. While some of that strength is internal, I have to give credit to the support I've had from friends and family. It's been truly an amazing experience to feel everyone rallying around me. I feel like although I'm the one with the cancer, everyone around me feels all the ups and downs as much as I do. So thanks again for all your support, comments, conversations and just plain good attitudes.