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Warning: Frank discussion of a broken ego below. Consider yourself warned.

Now that I'm home and somewhat recovered from my lack of sleep in the hospital (I had a four hour nap today AND yesterday!) I can discuss some of the funny stuff that happened when I was in the hospital. Well actually I hope it will be funny for you. I can laugh at it now but it was not so funny at the time.

The procedure I had on Tuesday was written up on the consent form as "explore pelvic abscess". It sounds harmless enough when it's written that way but the truth of the matter is its much more - what's the word? - raw than the pedestrian title would seem to indicate. I didn't ask too many questions about what the procedure entailed but suffice it to say I was glad to be asleep for it. As I understand it they went "exploring" up my gluteal cleft with a variety of high tech instrumentation that would make any video game junkie jealous. They were looking for the entrance to the fistula (fancy doctor word for passageway) that connects my infected abscess to my rectum with the intent to widen the opening connecting the two. They did not find what they were looking for but they did spend 30 minutes "up there" doing something. My doctor said they had a good look around (did he confuse my rectum with a show home?) but couldn't find what they were looking for.

Following the procedure I was sent back to my room to recover. Given the fact that all they did was have a look around, I sure had a lot of recovering to do. Apparently in the process of exploring uranus like Captain James T. Kirk, they used a significant amount of jelly-like lubricant (thank god). Now, this particular lubricant is apparently hard to retain for even the most conditioned of sphincter muscles. Given that I haven't used mine in a year I didn't stand a chance. I've been leaking lubricant like a bad oil change ever since. To make things worse, I've had to wear a pad. Not just any pad. A freaking pillow with wings. The nurses all had a hilarious time laughing at me trying to get it in the right spot. I had a hard time getting the wings to wrap around (I've seen the commercials) and still have the pad in the right place. Apparently those things are not designed for leaky ani (I just made that word up - it's the plural form of anus). I seem to have it all sussed out now at the expense of my ego. My transformation to a woman is nearly complete.

Good times...